A Memo from the Office of Steven R. Lawlor, CPA, to Indiana Jones
Professor Henry “Indiana” Jones Jr.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California 94118
We are in receipt of your Form 1040 for this past year, and there are several items on your tax return that the Internal Revenue Service would undoubtedly take issue with. These are items that, as your accountant, I would be greatly remiss in not bringing to your attention. While we appreciate your continued use of our qualified tax preparation team and we understand that your financial situation is far from straightforward, we are compelled to make note of the following issues:
It is exceedingly difficult for our accounting personnel to review your Form 1040 when it is mailed to us in a leather bound diary and written entirely in Aramaic. We could greatly reduce our administrative overhead if we did not need to staff a team of four cryptologists to decode the various drawings and glyphs on your Form 1040, the vast majority of which have very little bearing on modern tax code. When submitting your tax return next year, please take the time to organize your receipts into useful categories (medical expenses, mortgage interest, business-related expenses, etc.) rather than haphazardly inserting them into your so called “Grail Diary,” and mailing it to us.
In order to qualify as a dependent, an individual must be no older than 24 years of age. You have been claiming one “Short Round” as a dependent for 29 consecutive years which, by our math, places him at a minimum of 29 years old. Mr. Round can no longer be claimed as a dependent and must now file his own tax return. As per our numerous previous requests, please provide us with his social security number so that we may begin drawing up the necessary SS-5 paperwork.
More documentation is required for the Theft Losses (IRS Tax Section 515) which you are seeking to claim. What exactly is this “Chachapoyan Golden Idol of Fertility?” Does this item have an actual appraised monetary value other than what you state as “supernatural powers of incalculable measure?” Did you file an official police report when it was stolen from you by “that bastard Belloq” whom you make repeated reference to? This is information that would need to be substantiated and reported on your Form 4684 (Casualty, Disaster, and Theft Losses) in order for us to proceed further.
While we appreciate the fact that your medical expenses for the past year were minimal, (no small feat for a man of your age), we see no need for you to have written “medical claims not necessary—drank from the goddamned Holy Grail” on your Form 1040.
As per your request, we have attempted to contact your university’s personnel department to request a W-2 form and/or a 1099 form listing your gross income for this year. However, when we contacted your university, they claimed to have terminated you several years ago, citing a laundry list of exceedingly subpar coursework, shoddy tenure papers, and poorly attended emeritus lectures. With no formal wage earning statement, are we to assume that your income is derived solely from the interest earned on the sale of your father’s house?
We have concerns about your attempt to claim a tax deduction for a mine cart as an Alternative Fuel Vehicle. This “rickety mine cart which seats three” and is “capable of leaping across fiery chasms” that you make reference to may indeed be an alternative means of transport due to the fact that it does not require gasoline, but it nonetheless does not fall under the classification of an Energy Efficient vehicle and is therefore ineligible for a tax credit under IRS Tax Topic 508. The Business-Related Expenses you are seeking to claim also raise several concerns. For example, we question the necessity of you travelling from San Francisco to New York City via a two passenger propeller driven seaplane to present a lecture on the Third Reich to the Anti Defamation League. This mode of travel seems terribly inefficient by modern standards. Furthermore, what was the purpose of commissioning a video editing team to create a montage of your plane flight superimposed with a red line travelling across a map from San Francisco to New York City? Finally, when we contacted the ADL to request supporting documentation for your business trip, they appear to have completely disavowed you due to the fact that your lectures consisted of primarily of standing at a podium brandishing a bullwhip and revolver and stating “Nazis! I hate these guys!”
We are in receipt of all the necessary paperwork for you to receive a deduction for your Charitable Contribution of $5,000 to the San Diego Zoo. No word from them yet concerning their willingness to allocate your donation as you requested to “anywhere but the goddamned reptile house.” Additionally, we are not certain how a donation of $2,000 to a mongoose husbandry program in Burma qualifies as a Charitable Contribution—please provide support documentation or we will be required to strike it from your Form 8283.
Dr. Jones, each one of these individual issues which I have detailed could easily lead to an IRS audit if not properly addressed. Rest assured that the IRS has men working on reviewing your tax returns. Top men. Please respond to the concerns which I have enumerated as quickly as possible, as we are already well past the filing deadline. If possible, we’d like to avoid a repeat of last year’s incident when you phoned an IRS auditor and told him to “prepare to meet Kali in Hell.”
Additionally, please note that as we have repeatedly stated in the past, black market antiquities such as the Holy Stones of Shankara do not constitute appropriate payment for our firm’s accounting services. We gladly accept check or money order.
Steven R. Lawlor, CPA, LLC 3900 Geary Boulevard, 2nd Floor San Francisco, California 94118